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KayGee

The Switch.

20 posts in this topic

Having spoke to alot of people who have lost close friends and family i have realised how much we hold in but also how much we learn about ourselves and change for the better, sometimes the worse. When someone close to us dies we naturally feel like we could of and should of said something else or done something more.Me personally i felt like i could of shown that i cared more, spent more time with that person and generally made my feelings clear for the last time. I was flicking through old myspace pages and found this, my Brother died in 2006 and this was his childhood friend. Its a long but touching read. - im sorry matei truly amhad a chance to say goodbye and it passed me byi realised ive wasted alot of chances in this life time young though i amalways felt strange that i didnt really care eithernever saw you when you where aroundeven though you where only up the roadbut you take things for granted, people and places its just human nature, you cant help it.and the things you take for granted are always the ones you know oh so welland the ones you miss the most when they are gone.im gonna miss you till the end of my daysyou dont know what you got till is gone.well aint that the f*ck*ng truth?! never belived em tho did i? or maybe i didnt care?then again i was never one for taking advice was i?especialy the good kindshit happens, thats what i used to saysilly me.i know we werent as close as we used to bebut once apon a time is better than never.i grew up with you for f*ck sakeknown you since i was 6 years old,thought you where gonna be around foreverlonger than me anyway. life is funny like thatwell they do say the good die young, now i belive that onebut no one lives forever do they? and you dont know when the end comesso dont piss it all away youve only your self to blamelive life with no regrets and do what makes you truly happy.Girls,drawing,dragon ball z,ff7,beaches,trampolines,wrestling,and getting very very drunkalot more subjects and alot more time spent doing thema long time... but not long enough, is it ever long enough though?wasnt i meant to see you at the top?you never moaned and you never asked why.see i could never do that, just accept facts with that steady calm resolve you have that just made you you.werent you angry? y'know i dont think you where.didnt you want to shout and scream?Well i did shout and scream...didnt do much good though.I know you never believed in godbut then would of been a good time to start blaming him...but no. not you. just not your style was it?no one could say a single bad word against youbecuase you never said a single bad word about themand the afro probably helpedim honored to of seen it grow to the size of a palm tree.Theres alot of people herewith pieces missing, some are pretty big none are all that smallpieces missing that where lostthe moment you leftbut you never really left did you?.......nah not quitei let you down mate, selfish is as selfish does and that was me all overto tell the truth i was terrified, cancer has a funny effect on those around it i think.Pulls people together and tears them apartalways with the stiff upper lip though hey?But im making it up to youfunny what it takes to get a man moving in a direction that aint downits easy to go from cruising ride to suicide slide trust megravity's a bitch, always working against you,but you did try and warn me didnt you? In your own subtle waylive and learns dont ya? I'd almost forgot the sound of your voice...almostbut life is cruel i realised that todayeven though i already knew all too welljust had a problem accepting certain facts, most of them in fact. come to think of it all of them.Found it easyer to bury em' deep deep downtell yourself you dont care till its almost true but you cant fully deny itbecause then your lost forever.Until eventualy they dissapear.Then some fine fella finally points out they aint buried they are hanging round your neck,denial is a disease, latching on and growing around real memories,distorting and erasing, because lets face it some sh*t you just wanna forget right?Truth mesh with fiction and you know what you get?An atlas complex, carrying the weight of the world on your shouldersand feeling like its your duty is when you know something went very wrongalong the way.I never thought i could actualy feel it dissapear,just vanish. Voila the burden has been lifted! Just dont invite it back....The easyiest thing in the world is to blame your selfand that f*cks you up son.I gotta be honest i didnt think id care as much as i didwhich was alot, at first i thought too muchsorta went down before i went up i must saybut these things have a funny habit of changing your life, for the better in my case mateand i wish to god it didnt have to be this wayi would do alot of things differently given another chance, you didnt have to though did you? Got in one my son!The path i was going down wasnt all that goldenyou saw the start of it...and it was long and slipperyand i knew what was at the endbut i dont think i careduntil i realised i did give a shitit's a funny old thing the past isnt it?the mind takes artistic licence with memroiesbut when you forced to really rememberand realise some truths, you realise you rewrote history in your head.You taught me to be honest with your memoriesit saves a lot of questions later on in lifeand alot of shrink bills too im bettingwhen you cant actualy recall why you're so messed upyou probably end up doing something really stupid,and another friend dissapearsbut this time people aint so shockedbut it still a crying f*ck*ng shamebecause he was such a nice lad to begin with,more tears at a funeral...thats all we need.You're a life saver martand thats the gods honest truthsounds crazy,but you always knew i was a tiny bit nuts didnt you?miss you mate i really dothanksx-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------How has loved ones passing affected you and changed you? Did you feel angry? Useless? Demotivated? Did you have regrets about how you have treated that person or come to realise you could of done so much more?Or did you feel like you owe to be the best person you can because you still have the gift of life.Maybe it didn't or hasn't sunk in, grieving hasn't yet followed. The switch hasn't flicked and you don't know how to feel about your own emotionless feelings.Although deep and personal, please do share your thoughts -

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I am fortunate not to have much to say on this topic, but reading that was deep and it does make me think. Couldn't imagine losing a sibling, my condolences. Don't know how I will cope when it happens though.

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I've lost 2 close family members this year. And another 3 years ago. Life is fragile and tomorrow is promised to no man. All you leave behind is a memory in people's hearts and mind which is a powerful gift no object or sum of money can ever come close too fulfill. The pain felt when losing someone close is also the provider of great strength to overcome and feel connected with that person forever and no length of time will ever destroy the bond or love you have with a close person you may have lost. With that said i'm ever more determined to live life fully.

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wow that's deep and i can relate to so much of that, your brother sounds like a good manlost family to suicide and murder which is, well i dont know what it is, but it aint easy, but i know the importance of having your mind right and positive thinking, treating people well, the love of God and using money as a tool not looking to it like a god.i also learned that honesty is the best policy although that is easier said then done, like the guy says it saves alot of questions later on but obviously if you have always dealt with things alone it's hard to share burden, i dont expect my lost ones to be in heaven, heaven is not a right gifted to you for dying you earn that right, like honour a gift a man gives himself

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my thoughts go out to everyone who has lost somebody closetouching words and what caught me most was "the things you take for granted are always the ones you know oh so welland the ones you miss the most when they are gone."

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Couldn't imagine losing a sibling, my condolences. Don't know how I will cope when it happens though.
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Couldn't imagine losing a sibling, my condolences. Don't know how I will cope when it happens though.
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Didn't know anyone that died til I was 18 and my uncle by marriage died(weren't that close) and my grandad died when I was 20(met him for the first time a year prior to his death).The first death that hit me was when my friend died last month 2 days after his best friend died. That's truly f*cked coz he was a normal guy like me, played semi pro football together for 2 years. Healthy guy loved raving, girls and PS3. Went to uni like me. Then in literally the blink of an eye his life's gone!Went to his funeral and no hype there was about 300-400 people there. Couldn't believe it but it made me think I wanna try to be a better person coz I can't imagine a turn out anything like that if I were to die now *touch wood*.

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I was like 14 I think.My friend who I grew up with but barely used to see anymore had leukaemia and was going through the whole thing for ages and I visited him a little bit but barely enough. I guess I always imagined he'd get better so it wasn't that important to go visit him, like he got a transplant and it looked hopeful from there so I pretty much thought he was gonna be fine with time but things got worse and he eventually died.Every time I think of him I feel regret for all the time that I could have spent, like I could have helped out more as well with helping his family and everything. Like, the bone marrow transplant he got was his mum's, I don't think it was a full match though 'cause he was mixed race so there's so much smaller chance of getting a full match. Like me and my brother got asked to test but it never happened and all I could think about was what if I was a match and I could have saved his life.Like for a while I couldn't think about him without crying, would punch the walls and punch and dash around my bed covers and pillows at night. I'm not religious but I remember I would pray to God hoping that there is a heaven and he's going to it, 'cause he couldn't be gone, it wasn't right, I just didn't want to accept it.Was emotional. So yeah, I felt regret, anger, was in a depressed state for a while but I don't think it actually changed me as a person, I just felt helpless to the whole thing.

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Having spoke to alot of people who have lost close friends and family i have realised how much we hold in but also how much we learn about ourselves and change for the better, sometimes the worse. When someone close to us dies we naturally feel like we could of and should of said something else or done something more.Me personally i felt like i could of shown that i cared more, spent more time with that person and generally made my feelings clear for the last time.
I feel the same. My bro died when I was 16, literally the day after I finished school. He went to bed one night, any normal 14 year old, fit n healthy etc and just died in his sleep. Was such a shock, at that age I had never ever contemplated that my little brother would suddenly die.. like you, I wish I could have shown I cared more. Not that I was ever really mean or anything but if I had known how little time I had with him I would have let him know what he meant to me. But what can ya do, life is a bitch.. It was a massive wake up call though, I grew up so much when it happened, realised life wasn't a game.
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I have only lost grandparents(it still hurts so much they are not around and won't be able to witness their grandson live his and their dream)Like the poster above has said life isn't a game that's why I have to step my game up which involves less talking more action because I would be broken if any close family member wasn't around to share any of my special moments.

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Nothing positive comes from death, no matter how much you dress it up as new positive perspectives on things and outlooks on life etc, mourning is always just pushed to side until it rears its ugly head when you least expect it. Always hangs over you.

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Disagree. What a negative attitude.IMO anything that happens in life you can learn from or use as motivation.

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Exactly, motivation from EVERYTHING, only you decide to be happy or sad, the mind is a powerful tool.

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good topicit is vital to have the knowledge and understanding that life is not a permenant fixture. nothing that we have is.it is very hard to deal with loss and that sweeping feeling of dread that floods the mind and takes over your emotions is a truely horrible feeling, i can almost taste itthe better your understanding of the temporary nature of life - be that thru religion or ur own personal philosophy, the better u can deal with these eventslife is not supposed to be an easy ride or a walk in the park. let your experiences both good and bad shape you and mould you into a better person.my experiences shaped me and destroyed my brother, we went through the same life. don't be him and fail.. be strong and understand that this too shall pass tomorrow is another day and a new opportunity to change your mind, body and soul for the better. you are the master of ur destiny etcone thing my mum taught me is never to give up and never lie down and accept defeat like a p*ssy, she didn't raise me to be a loser. even in the most dire circumstances where it looks like there is no hope - there is, because you can ALWAYS better urself.

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Nothing positive comes from death, no matter how much you dress it up as new positive perspectives on things and outlooks on life etc, mourning is always just pushed to side until it rears its ugly head when you least expect it. Always hangs over you.

I didn't respond right away because I couldn't convince myself that you were incorrect. Couple years on I can confirm this is untrue. A family member dying could never be a positive thing but you can turn your life around in a positive way and gain more from that experience. I don't have anything hanging over my head, almost 6 years on and i've been ok for the most part. I've done my mourning, nothing you can do will bring a person back and the sooner that becomes accepted the sooner you are clear of that and can move on positively with your life. There are and will always be days when im sad but thats not necessarily a bad thing, im not depressed and I don't spend every other hour thinking about my brother. I know that he wouldn't want me to waste my time being unhappy and how dare I? Im alive I have a chance and I refuse to waste that.

Death as much as its a disaster is a part of our lives and we have to accept this will happen, you have to live a good life, be true to yourself and try hard to always appreciate things even when it seems like its not fair. The only ugly head butting me is my own subconscious reminding me on my bad days. Its not all negative, im pretty happy, ive achieved and i look forward to my life and what it will be all because of my Brother.

I would have him back in a heart beat but life doesn't work like that and so negatives, all negatives can be turned into positives if we are willing to.

I think your still around under a different name, I hope you change your perspective because it doesn't all have to be bad if you just look at things differently.

I can't edit the original post and apologies for bringing up an old (unreadable post) so i've pasted it below if anyone wanted to read -

im sorry mate

i truly am

had a chance to say goodbye and it passed me by

i realised ive wasted alot of chances in this life time young though i am

always felt strange that i didnt really care either

never saw you when you where around

even though you where only up the road

but you take things for granted, people and places its just human nature, you cant help it.

and the things you take for granted are always the ones you know oh so well

and the ones you miss the most when they are gone.

im gonna miss you till the end of my days

you dont know what you got till is gone.

well aint that the f*ck*ng truth?! never belived em tho did i? or maybe i didnt care?

then again i was never one for taking advice was i?

especialy the good kind

sh*t happens, thats what i used to say

silly me.

i know we werent as close as we used to be

but once apon a time is better than never.

i grew up with you for f*ck sake

known you since i was 6 years old,

thought you where gonna be around forever

longer than me anyway. life is funny like that

well they do say the good die young, now i belive that one

but no one lives forever do they? and you dont know when the end comes

so dont piss it all away youve only your self to blame

live life with no regrets and do what makes you truly happy.

Girls,

drawing,

dragon ball z,

ff7,

beaches,

trampolines,

wrestling,

and getting very very drunk

alot more subjects and alot more time spent doing them

a long time... but not long enough, is it ever long enough though?

wasnt i meant to see you at the top?

you never moaned and you never asked why.

see i could never do that, just accept facts with that steady calm resolve you have that just made you you.

werent you angry? y'know i dont think you where.

didnt you want to shout and scream?

Well i did shout and scream...didnt do much good though.

I know you never believed in god

but then would of been a good time to start blaming him...

but no. not you. just not your style was it?

no one could say a single bad word against you

becuase you never said a single bad word about them

and the afro probably helped

im honored to of seen it grow to the size of a palm tree.

Theres alot of people here

with pieces missing, some are pretty big none are all that small

pieces missing that where lost

the moment you left

but you never really left did you?.......nah not quite

i let you down mate, selfish is as selfish does and that was me all over

to tell the truth i was terrified, cancer has a funny effect on those around it i think.

Pulls people together and tears them apart

always with the stiff upper lip though hey?

But im making it up to you

funny what it takes to get a man moving in a direction that aint down

its easy to go from cruising ride to suicide slide trust me

gravity's a bitch, always working against you,

but you did try and warn me didnt you? In your own subtle way

live and learns dont ya?

I'd almost forgot the sound of your voice...almost

but life is cruel i realised that today

even though i already knew all too well

just had a problem accepting certain facts, most of them in fact. come to think of it all of them.

Found it easyer to bury em' deep deep down

tell yourself you dont care till its almost true but you cant fully deny it

because then your lost forever.

Until eventualy they dissapear.

Then some fine fella finally points out they aint buried they are hanging round your neck,

denial is a disease, latching on and growing around real memories,

distorting and erasing, because lets face it some sh*t you just wanna forget right?

Truth mesh with fiction and you know what you get?

An atlas complex, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders

and feeling like its your duty is when you know something went very wrong

along the way.

I never thought i could actualy feel it dissapear,

just vanish. Voila the burden has been lifted! Just dont invite it back....

The easyiest thing in the world is to blame your self

and that f*cks you up son.

I gotta be honest i didnt think id care as much as i did

which was alot, at first i thought too much

sorta went down before i went up i must say

but these things have a funny habit of changing your life, for the better in my case mate

and i wish to god it didnt have to be this way

i would do alot of things differently given another chance, you didnt have to though did you? Got in one my son!

The path i was going down wasnt all that golden

you saw the start of it...

and it was long and slippery

and i knew what was at the end

but i dont think i cared

until i realised i did give a sh*t

it's a funny old thing the past isnt it?

the mind takes artistic licence with memroies

but when you forced to really remember

and realise some truths, you realise you rewrote history in your head.

You taught me to be honest with your memories

it saves a lot of questions later on in life

and alot of shrink bills too im betting

when you cant actualy recall why you're so messed up

you probably end up doing something really stupid,

and another friend dissapears

but this time people aint so shocked

but it still a crying f*ck*ng shame

because he was such a nice lad to begin with,

more tears at a funeral...thats all we need.

You're a life saver mart

and thats the gods honest truth

sounds crazy,

but you always knew i was a tiny bit nuts didnt you?

miss you mate i really do

thanks

x

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No real point in having regrets tbh, you have good and bad times with anyone who your are close with, just the nature of relationships.

I remember I went to the cemetary to visit my friend and I got talking to an old black man, said his son was murdered I think, long time back now.

I said to him aslong as you remember the good times nothing else matters at the end of the day and he smiled at me.

Death makes you appreciate life a bit more, I think some people get confused when someone dies because they don't know if they should be grieving for as long as they do.

I think it's natural, get over it when you can, appreciate those who are living and just keep it moving.

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I can relate to what Kaygee is saying I also lost my brother when I was 17.

This year my family and I grouped to remember my brother 10 yrs ago back in feb.

I never told him how much he ment to me, didn't appreciate him enough. But I can't change any of that I can only move forward and learn from it. Its taught me to appreciate everyone no matter there flaws because there is actuall good in all(most)

I'm at peace with what happened now and sometimes life comes to an end tragically I still get emotional that he is gone but I can smile about him and all our childhood memories. My brother died of natural causes and I sometimes feel that makes it easier to come to terms with. The following year a friend of mine who I'd been friends with since primary school was murdered that was much more difficult to come to terms with.

You never forget but time is a healer and helps you to move on its important to remember them and not to think of the what ifs it only holds you back from moving forward and eats you up inside. Destroying another life.

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The first experience I had of death was when my cousin got shot 5 years ago... kinda didn't feel anything at first because I thought it was a joke. Till I got on the train & randomly burst into tears. It was weird. We weren't really close but he was still my cousin... it was easier to deal with as time went on... just wish I was there for his brother more. He pushed everyone away and because I didn't want to force it, I kept my distance. Until we had an argument and I found out, if I had kept trying he would have let me in. Were cool now though.

The hardest death I've had to deal with is my Granddad's. He died end of April... just when I was about to start working on my dissertation. I was a mess, never thought I'd react like that. Saying something at his funeral was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... there were so many moments when I had to keep pausing because I physically couldn't speak. We were close but because he and my Nan moved to America I didn't get to see him as much. I think what hurt the most was the fact that I had spoken to him 3 months before he died, I could have made more of an effort to contact him but it's not a regret because every time I did speak to him I told him I loved him.

I don't think I've moved on yet because when I talk about him, I still cry. Even typing this is making me tear up... one thing I'm grateful for is the fact that just before he died... he accepted God. He couldn't breath properly or speak... but when my Auntie asked him if he believed in God, he nodded yes. She then told him to repeat some words after her.. and word for word he was able to do so. So if anything, my faith has increased even more so.

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