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F*ck My Life

Davicious X

By Davicious X
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Yuri Newbie

Yuri

Posted
Posted

Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my cell phone there and had got a text from a guy saying "Hi, how have you been?" FML

:lol:

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Rippy Newbie

Rippy

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Posted

Cannot stress how late you are.

However, prob the funniest one I read (posted on here) was

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant,but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled,"Be my baby's daddy!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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  • 4 months later...
The Somalian Newbie

The Somalian

Posted
Posted

____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

____________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

____________ _________ _________ ________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

____________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

____________ _________ _________ ____

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Black. Newbie

Black.

Posted
Posted
253831036

I hate that you took my virginity. I waited for a good guy and got blinded by your incredible acting skills, when I think you secretly hate women because your mom divorced your dad. I hate that you had a above average sized penis that I still think about. I hate that I had an orgasm everytime we had sex. I hate that I was so weak that I lost 18 lbs and was miserable with sleepless nights for so long after you left me. i hate that you were so so cold and tore my naive little heart out and acted like things werent as emotionally deep as they were. I hate that I made up fake guys on facebook to make you jealous. I am happy it worked. I hate that you started to like another girl, I think I drove you to it with this weird facebook competition between us. I hated her and felt bad for her because I knew there was a good chance you would hurt her. it actually comforted me that she resembles me in ways (rebound much?). I watched and stalked many pubic sites that had to deal with you because I am very tech savy. I love that it seems like you cant cut yourself away from talking to me. I love that you told me you were not with that girl anymore. you made her seem like a bitch. I loved seeing you hurt by this. I hated that she could make you feel like that (but remember you acted the same with me sometimes) I love that I finally realized that youre crazy in the head and love playing the victim in relationship issues and you thrive on emotional drama. I hate seeing her pretty face turn from pretty healthy and happy to skinny desperate and stressed with crazy eyes. No woman deserves this, and I wish I could talk to her, but them my stalking ways would be known and I can’t have that. I love that when I look in the mirror I see a incredibly fit body that men would love and girl have jealously over. I love that I have thick long hair and large friendly eyes I love that when masturbate with my slim finger I realize that I am still tight and that the next man I have will pleasure me just fine, especially after I make sure he is the right guy this time. I hate that I still love you and wish you the best when you dont deserve it. I realize that because you are probably crazy that every woman is probably in for some hurting when they come in contact with you. Part of me misses what you were to me before you unveiled yourself. I hope and pray my next guy with be my husband and that his penis is better that yours, just because. I love that I am finally starting to feel normal again and am fine with the fact that I probably still think about you from time to time…

:lol: :lol:

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The Somalian Newbie

The Somalian

Posted
Posted

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with

her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her

boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for

the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a

trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's

his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour, by

telling the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like

to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family

pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his

girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,

come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where

the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and

bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after

20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to

the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist

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