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Davicious X

Can I get your unbiased opinion please

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Here's just the tiniest piece of of my work over the past few years, and I only really share stuff outside of my ring of people if I'm unsure of the piece. Is it intriguing enough? Does it make you want to know more? What are you imagining based on the little information you have here?

 

Thanks in advance, and I hope you at least enjoy it.

 

 

I pull a small stone wrapped in a plastic evidence bag from my shirt pocket and remove it from the packaging, placing it in the center of the table between us. You know what a typical pebble sized rock looks like, but this rock is infinitely more exotic, jagged on some sides and smooth on others, as you would expect, but if you didn’t look at it from varying angles you might miss the faint glow emanating from the stones sheered sides. When I first came into contact with it it did the same. As far as I know it always has done. I figure it’s been glowing for at least as long as it has been on the planet. Yeah that’s right. Periodical scans confirm it is not of this world. I was not exaggerating about its exotic nature.

Pavel recognizes the rock immediately like so few can. He reaches for it, turning it over for closer examination. For almost a minute he seems to forget I’m in the room. The sight of it, mesmerized by its soft hue, entrances his eyes.

I watch as he softly places the stone back on the table, not taking his eyes off of it. He spins it like a top, allowing the dim glow of the rock to reflect then mutate the light hanging above, turning it a sickly off colour.

I try to make sure not to turn or be distracted away from Pavel’s facial features, keeping an eye for any hint of apprehension, or any other signs of emotional leakage, just as I was trained to. He has a history with this rock that is only partially known. Is it dangerous? It is emitting its own light. Who’s to say its radiation isn’t poisonous? Does he have knowledge of any dangers that, so far, the rest of us are ignorant too? He remains calm, even. Either he isn’t afraid of it, or he doesn’t know to be. I don’t know to be, but I’ve been carrying that stone in my pocket for the last ten minutes, after bringing it up from the evidence locker. I had hoped his reaction might let me know if just being around this non-terrestrial fragment was taking away any future hopes of me having children. I’m left none the wiser as he manages to break the rocks hypnotic hold over him, and he is able to acknowledge my existence again. Ready to answer my questions.

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was intriguing

 

thought it was a crack rock

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Here's just the tiniest piece of of my work over the past few years, and I only really share stuff outside of my ring of people if I'm unsure of the piece. Is it intriguing enough? Does it make you want to know more? What are you imagining based on the little information you have here?

 

Thanks in advance, and I hope you at least enjoy it.

 

 

I pull a small stone wrapped in a plastic evidence bag from my shirt pocket and remove it from the packaging, placing it in the center of the table between us. You know what a typical pebble sized rock looks like, but this rock is infinitely more exotic, jagged on some sides and smooth on others, as you would expect, but if you didn’t look at it from varying angles you might miss the faint glow emanating from the stones sheered sides. When I first came into contact with it it did the same. As far as I know it always has done. I figure it’s been glowing for at least as long as it has been on the planet. Yeah that’s right. Periodical scans confirm it is not of this world. I was not exaggerating about its exotic nature.

Pavel recognizes the rock immediately like so few can. He reaches for it, turning it over for closer examination. For almost a minute he seems to forget I’m in the room. The sight of it, mesmerized by its soft hue, entrances his eyes.

I watch as he softly places the stone back on the table, not taking his eyes off of it. He spins it like a top, allowing the dim glow of the rock to reflect then mutate the light hanging above, turning it a sickly off colour.

I try to make sure not to turn or be distracted away from Pavel’s facial features, keeping an eye for any hint of apprehension, or any other signs of emotional leakage, just as I was trained to. He has a history with this rock that is only partially known. Is it dangerous? It is emitting its own light. Who’s to say its radiation isn’t poisonous? Does he have knowledge of any dangers that, so far, the rest of us are ignorant too? He remains calm, even. Either he isn’t afraid of it, or he doesn’t know to be. I don’t know to be, but I’ve been carrying that stone in my pocket for the last ten minutes, after bringing it up from the evidence locker. I had hoped his reaction might let me know if just being around this non-terrestrial fragment was taking away any future hopes of me having children. I’m left none the wiser as he manages to break the rocks hypnotic hold over him, and he is able to acknowledge my existence again. Ready to answer my questions.

stone's / too

/

interesting piece, would continue reading and see what happens

 

surprised Your guy is so brave to just touch it, would have a suspense scene where he tests whether it's safe to handle. 

 

I'm imagining Loki with the tesseract, and it needing another part to work

 

tumblr_m6bs0vf8FF1rua2z5o1_500.gif

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Nice intro.... I'm intrigued

 

Mad curious about this rock....

 

Knead Moar

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Thanks for the mistake catches Lens, but what's your reason for the "Stone's"?

 

It's not plural, and is not followed by "is" or "has"?

 

Glad to learn a writing mistake if I make one though so thanks again.

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u dont use an apostrophe for plurals

 

u use it to show ownership, ie it's the stone's sides

 

i dont think ur officially meant to use it for inanimate objects, but i would, n lens obviously lives by his own rules

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It's a possessive - the sheered sides belong to the stone...

 

e.g. "Fraff came from John's mouth"

 

so Lens is right.

 

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To avoid this whole issue Dav X, you could just re-word it to something like:

 

 

 

from varying angles you might miss the faint glow emanating from the sheered sides of the stone     
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When I first came into contact with it it did the same. 

it, it

 

sorry

 

but yh, Pavel knows something about how to harness the stone's power, but doesn't want to do so, and had it to hide it. 

 

the first person perspective character questioning him wants to do so, and needs Pavel's help to do it. 

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It's cool. When the whole thing is done I'll be sending it off to professional editors anyway so it doesn't have to be perfect at this stage, it just has to make sense enough for said editor, or anyone who gets to look over it can follow it.

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So any thoughts on the actual piece besides grammar?

Grammar and syntax are like the key components which motivates me to continue reading something.

In this case another thing I have to add is the use of 'you know' without a - or , after to denote you are referring to the reader. Also 'it's' and 'it has' being used in the same sentence sits uneasy with me.

If you are looking to capture your audience then look at writers like Dostoyevsky and how he assimilates the mental state of a character and describes state. d*ckens is good for how to describe a character's likeness and Conan-Doyle just writes things in ways that make you happy to read more.

For me however it is a good story so far, but lacking distinct qualities to make me enjoy reading it.

The is all idiosyncratic to me however so what I say may not count for the market you are aiming to hit and can this be disregarded.

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So any thoughts on the actual piece besides grammar?

Grammar and syntax are like the key components which motivates me to continue reading something.

In this case another thing I have to add is the use of 'you know' without a - or , after to denote you are referring to the reader. Also 'it's' and 'it has' being used in the same sentence sits uneasy with me.

If you are looking to capture your audience then look at writers like Dostoyevsky and how he assimilates the mental state of a character and describes state. d*ckens is good for how to describe a character's likeness and Conan-Doyle just writes things in ways that make you happy to read more.

For me however it is a good story so far, but lacking distinct qualities to make me enjoy reading it.

The is all idiosyncratic to me however so what I say may not count for the market you are aiming to hit and can this be disregarded.

 

 

I agree, it's hard to read anything if it is written badly. 

 

I'll take your suggestions and if time will allow will try to read more works (Have heard of Dostoyevsky but never read his works) as I simply haven't read a book in almost two years now.

 

Think you got caught out by the autocorrect at the end of your post there.

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Its good and has promise but c/s cp

especially the you know' bit that really doesn't sound good

you're not telling Sharon about Tracey's new curtains.

Also the way you are using the first character to describe what's going on doesnt seem right imo

and no offence but your grammar is pretty bad

'and' after a commer?

come on that's basic.

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He doesn't need to have the greatest grammar to be a great writer, that's what editors are for.  :Y:

 

He's the literary genius

 

They're the linguistic geniuses/genii

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