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LITTLE LISA

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does anyone know of any funny jokes post em here !!!! biggrin.gif A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan."What are you doing?" he asks."I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she repliedCompletely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night.They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall in the dim light and freezes like he's a statue.The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.Startled, he drops a bar of soap"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.Now the third nun decides to have a go.She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.So she gives several more tugs, then yells,"Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!" :shock: :shock: :shock:

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, Iâââ‰â¢m still a virgin.""What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if youâââ‰â¢ve been married ten times?""Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said heâââ‰â¢d look into it and get back to me.Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldnâââ‰â¢t get the system up.Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didnâââ‰â¢t know when he would be able to deliver.Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasnâââ‰â¢t sure whether it was his job or not.Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that Iâââ‰â¢ve married you, Iâââ‰â¢m really excited!""Good," said the new husband, "but, why?""Youâââ‰â¢re a lawyer. This time I know Iâââ‰â¢m gonna get screwed!" biggrin.gif

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ooooooooooooooo i just realised all the jokes ive put up are s*x orientated  :oops:  dont be reading into it yeah lol im a good girlie me he he he  biggrin.gif
haha thats 1st one is jokeeeeeeeeeee

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a woman went into labour with her husband at her sidethe doctor told her there was a pill that she could take that gives half the pain to the father of the babythe woman took it but nothing happened to her husband so she kept on taking it and taking it but it still had no effectonce the baby was born and it was ok to go home they walked to their front door.......only to find the milkman dead on the doorstepquite sh*t actually

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a woman went into labour with her husband at her sidethe doctor told her there was a pill that she could take that gives half the pain to the father of the babythe woman took it but nothing happened to her husband so she kept on taking it and taking it but it still had no effectonce the baby was born and it was ok to go home they walked to their front door.......only to find the milkman dead on the doorstepi heard thatd b4... i actaully like it hahaquite sh*t actually

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a woman went into labour with her husband at her sidethe doctor told her there was a pill that she could take that gives half the pain to the father of the babythe woman took it but nothing happened to her husband so she kept on taking it and taking it but it still had no effectonce the baby was born and it was ok to go home they walked to their front door.......only to find the milkman dead on the doorsteplol  biggrin.gif  :D quite sh*t actually

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have u had a pigeon on ur left shoulder?no?have u had a parrot on ur right shoulder?no?open ur mouth....i bet u've had a cuckatoo in it aint ya?
hahaha thats joke!!!

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Guest Chanelle

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."

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Guest Chanelle

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.You fall off the floor..Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..' Your idea of cutting back is less salt.You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. I'm as sober as a judge. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

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lol
JEEEEEEZ - long time no posts Antix!Where ya been!??

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An Irish lad has got ̣̉500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question.For 1 million quid. "Paddy, for ̣̉1million, who from this list was the great trainrobber?>Was it,A, Ronnie Barker...B, Ronnie O'Sullivan...C, Ronnie Corbett or..was itD, Ronnie Biggs???"Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris"Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.Paddy again say's.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris""You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris."No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer""OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applauseladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with ̣̉500,000.However before you go, you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris""You knew it anyway!....are you mental !!!" asks Chris,Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no feckin grass! biggrin.gif

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Little Sam asked for a bike for Xmas. His dad said 'we'd get you one lad but the mortgage is ̣̉80,000 and your mum has lost her job'. Next day, Sam walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad said 'Where u off to lad?' Sam replied 'I walked past your room last night and heard you tell Mum you were pulling out, then i heard her to tell you to wait because she was comin too, and i aint stayin here on my own with an ̣̉80,000 mortgage and no p issin bike! biggrin.gif:D:D

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The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened""Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"The husband begins to tell his story . . "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them.""Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear becauseI don't have good taste.""I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."The husband continues his story . . ."The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

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