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The Best and Worst, for the new season

Nah Blud I

By Nah Blud I
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Nah Blud I

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A humourous look at premier league teams hopes and otherwise as published in the Irish Sunday Independent 5/8/07ARSENALBest case scenario: Beat Barcelona in Champions League final. Philippe Senderos outpaces Thierry Henry for a match-saving tackle to prove Wenger was right to sell him. Decide not to concede first in every game meaning they have an interest in the league after Halloween.Worst case scenario: Eduardo Da Silva proves such a flop that Francis Jeffers returns as an emergency loan. Cesc Fabregas follows Henry to Barcelona after laying on 15 chances for Jeffers in one match. All of which are missed. BOLTON W'DERERSBest case scenario: Sammy Lee turns out to have been the brains of the operation for the past few years. The words 'Big' and 'Sam' are never heard at the Reebok again. Play Arsenal at home every week.Worst case scenario: Nicolas Anelka and El-Hadji Diouf drop out of the charm school. Anelka allowed to leave for Champions League club. "It's always been my dream to play for FC Pyunik," he insists. TOTTENHAMBest case scenario: Paul Robinson manages to save shots struck from 30 yards. Dimitar Berbatov scores few enough goals that Manchester United don't try to sign him. Arsene Wenger leaves Arsenal to be replaced by George Graham.Worst case scenario: Martin Jol denied sleep by Sopranos fans demanding he comes back for another series. Night before last game of the season, lasagne is the only thing left on the menu. Bent, Defoe and Keane all struggle. Rebrov returns on loan. PORTSMOUTHBest case scenario: A force-field is discovered to keep David James inside his penalty area. Back four of Campbell, Distin, Lauren and Traore earn extra money as nightclub bouncers. Panorama taken off the air.Worst case scenario: After a start so poor that he is in Benjani's shadow, David Nugent celebrates a winner at Sunderland by kissing the badge in front of home dug-out. Wakes up in hospital. LIVERPOOLBest case scenario: Steven Gerrard goes a year without mentioning how much he loves the club during contract negotiations. Rafael Benitez realises he is allowed play a full-strength team in the Premiership.Worst case scenario: Ryan Babel becomes the new Zenden; Torres the new Morientes and Benayoun the new Luis Garcia. Jamie Carragher misses a crucial penalty in Champions League shoot-out. CHELSEABest case scenario: Manager shuts up. Team develop a football style that one costing the same as the GDP of 25 African countries should have. Win Champions League defeating all of Mourinho's enemies along the way (extra games are arranged).Worst case scenario: Andrei Shevchenko's first season proves to have been prolific. January's African Nations Cup sees half the squad disappear as they crash out of all competitions. "How was I meant to see this coming?" laments the manager.MANCHESTER UTDBEST case scenario: The Premiership. The Champions League. The FA Cup. The League Cup. Scottish independence. Liverpool relegated. Chelsea liquidated. The BBC shut down. Sven put down. And a nice glass of red wine to wash it all down.Worst case scenario: Fail to beat an AC Milan side with a combined back-four aged 200. Gabriel Heinze scores Liverpool's winner at Old Trafford. Owen Hargreaves moves on loan to Newcastle in swap deal with Nicky Butt. Cristiano Ronaldo breaks a nail.
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