Universal Tip's

[Twister]

Twister's Top TipsDON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tuneand hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song youlike and hum that instead.CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having ap*ss before the film starts.RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actuallyspeaking clearly in the first place.DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identitystolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your oldbank statements.WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking redwine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove thestains.SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martialtomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it toyourself via DHL. You will never see it again.BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking outat 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs onyou.EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVsinto the bin.MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to thevolume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wifefrom having to do it.GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending ̣̉50 to yourself byRoyal Mail.BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a verysmall horse is approaching.BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by notwearing heavy dark glasses all the time.ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn andwave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them ontheir way.PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply movingeverything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In themorning, simply move it all back again.CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuablesmay be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simplyshout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think youare listening to the sea.JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in yourbigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outsideEtam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionallyglancing inside.BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg intoboiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,where a large selection is available at retail prices.McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend inwith the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.And the absolute belter for last :WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*tanyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you'vebeen banged.

[Afro Man]

omg they are wickek...specially liked this oneRAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

[madnlooney]

Twister's Top TipsCINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having ap*ss before the film starts.

this cracked me upthe are qualiy twister

[Twister]

i just want people to know my points of view

[madnlooney]

of course mate

[Twister]

These are my other views?....... 9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damned floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short". What the hey?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

[madnlooney]

seen those ones before but still crease me up

[VickieB]

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

hahahaha

[Kayla]

ha ha ha there funny!

[Afro Man]

seen those ones before but still crease me up

[LittleMissMixIt]

I like them ones !!! I was laughing so much my colleague thinks I've gone mad.

[Afro Man]

I like them ones !!! I was laughing so much my colleague thinks I've gone mad.

u say mad like its a bad thing lol

[madnlooney]

mad is good

[Afro Man]

mad is good

i know...i love being mad and every1 loves me for being mad

[Dj Rosso]

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by notwearing heavy dark glasses all the time.^^^That is just wrong !!!JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert' date=' hold the disks in yourbigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.^^HAHAHA This one cracked me up !!!!quote']

[Afro Man]

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by notwearing heavy dark glasses all the time.^^^That is just wrong !!!JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert' date=' hold the disks in yourbigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.^^HAHAHA This one cracked me up !!!!quote']

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