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madnlooney

handy tips

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Here are some handy tips for everyday.Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, alwayscircle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garmentfrom the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain andcheck that it has gone.Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to theobject you wish to view.Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, butyou'll also be getting paid for it.Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolatebar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in thefirst place, you fat ba**ard.Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home byfilling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, thenurinating into it, before jumping in.An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes aninexpensive vibrator.Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running abit slower.Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fagfrom the butt of your last one.Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak orveal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meatsubstitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know thedifference.Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubtbe made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them aboutyours, and ask for a nice steak.High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of yourcigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough toinsulate your roof.Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car beforestarting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so itmay as well look like one.A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you fromrolling over and going back to sleep.Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by bangingyour feet twice on each stair.Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. Allhe's interested in is seeing you starkers.Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes thefishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fastwipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquidfor the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and theother in your coat pocket.DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find theoffer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. _

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