Long term relationships

[FACE OFF]

when we have bad times, they are really bad, and during arguments he'll put me down and tell me that my achievements are nothing and that I've only done things because of him, which isn't 100% true. I'm probably setting myselfup for some serious slewage by giving you all so much information, but I really need some outside opinions on this

UNACCEPTABLE TELL HIM ABOUT HIMSELF AND SAY THIS IS WHAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO DO AND WHAT YOU WOULD DO (IM ASSUMING) HE OWES YOU AN APOLOGY DONT WAIT FOR IT TELL HIM RIGHT NOWNOT EVEN.............. he needs to be told and he obviously aint so you tell him and hopefully if he is approachable he will understand and not wile out.

[Capital]

Face Off....i agree with what your sayin, i meant progress in terms of growing together and the possibility of building something together......even if me and a female are movin at different speeds financially or lifestyle wise.....as long as we have a shared vision for "us" thats the main thingmy main point was productivity....and not trying to pursue dead ends

[Treacle]

Salute to all the people that can recognise and identify with this perspectiveto be honest its does come from an angle that is motivated by a selfishnessfrom i buss twenty years of age i said to myself anything that is not promotin progress and forward movment in my life is gettin obliteratedi cut out alot of half hearted friendships, half hearted females and dead end activitiesn life is so much bettergood topic tho

You're right, it is an aspect of selfishness. I am being extremely selfish right now. I want to settle down, and by all means and purposes, I have. I'm there physically, but my mind is often full of doubts due to the things I've been through with this person. I've progressed and achieved so much due to the support and encouragement from this particular person, but at the same time, when we have bad times, they are really bad, and during arguments he'll put me down and tell me that my achievements are nothing and that I've only done things because of him, which isn't 100% true. I know I can do and achieve SO much more as a person in a couple with this person, than I could do on my own, but I don't know if I can deal with any more bad times, they really crush me emotionally and mentally and I sometimes feel so drained that it's hard to pick myself up and find a state of happiness again, even though I know what good things may lay ahead of me if I stay in my situation. It's a really involved situation, but that is the brief outline. I'm basically wondering whether I should go against my family and friends, and believe in this guy, compromise my own values and beliefs to be with him, and try and make my situation better, in this confused state, or if I should make a clean break and live a happier, more content life in the hope that I'll meet someone amazing one day, even though I could end up old and on my own if that person never comes along.I'm probably setting myselfup for some serious slewage by giving you all so much information, but I really need some outside opinions on this

I was feelin' all the way up to this part...

When I say compromise my own values and beliefs, it's nothing heavy really, what I mean is, he has a very traditional view on life, and wants me to stay at home, have some kids, look after him, cook and clean and look after the home, and have him as the main focus in my life, which I would've been more than happy to do if we had only had 100% good times, but since the bad times, and being at uni, I now want to do more for myself (selfish, I know) education when I've finished, travel a bit, possibly do a 6 month stint abroad somewhere teaching, etc but he just wants me to be the little woman at home, which I don't want to do. When I was younger, that was what I wanted to do because I had no ambition, but now, I want to big things, but he sees it as he is the man, he should do the great things, and I should be in the background to support him. (These aren't his exact words, but they just give a general idea to his values)

[FACE OFF]

i havent finished making what i want by myself yet so i wont be really looking to build nothing with no one til i got that first.ask yourself would he wait for you to do what you want to do would he sacrifice his dreams for being a traditional husbandinfact dont ask yourself ask HIM.

[Flojo]

Salute to all the people that can recognise and identify with this perspectiveto be honest its does come from an angle that is motivated by a selfishnessfrom i buss twenty years of age i said to myself anything that is not promotin progress and forward movment in my life is gettin obliteratedi cut out alot of half hearted friendships, half hearted females and dead end activitiesn life is so much bettergood topic tho

You're right, it is an aspect of selfishness. I am being extremely selfish right now. I want to settle down, and by all means and purposes, I have. I'm there physically, but my mind is often full of doubts due to the things I've been through with this person. I've progressed and achieved so much due to the support and encouragement from this particular person, but at the same time, when we have bad times, they are really bad, and during arguments he'll put me down and tell me that my achievements are nothing and that I've only done things because of him, which isn't 100% true. I know I can do and achieve SO much more as a person in a couple with this person, than I could do on my own, but I don't know if I can deal with any more bad times, they really crush me emotionally and mentally and I sometimes feel so drained that it's hard to pick myself up and find a state of happiness again, even though I know what good things may lay ahead of me if I stay in my situation. It's a really involved situation, but that is the brief outline. I'm basically wondering whether I should go against my family and friends, and believe in this guy, compromise my own values and beliefs to be with him, and try and make my situation better, in this confused state, or if I should make a clean break and live a happier, more content life in the hope that I'll meet someone amazing one day, even though I could end up old and on my own if that person never comes along.I'm probably setting myselfup for some serious slewage by giving you all so much information, but I really need some outside opinions on thisAlso, I forgot to say, this guy is genuinely in love with me and wants to be with me for the rest of his days, so the ball is in my court in terms of what happens between us.

Difficult situation.You seem to be overly self critical about yourself by saying he basically determines how much you can achieve. The fact he believes this and had the cheek to say it to you should be incentive enough if you do leave him to push yourself to achieve whatever it is you want in life.The if's and buts of ending up alone etc is the worst case scenario which shouldn't even be entering your head at this stage of your life (I'm assuming your sub 25).Going against your own values and beliefs is never a good sign cos thats the sort of thing that eats away at you from the insides no matter what you achieve.Your head seems in the relationship but your heart doesn't so you basically need to decide what's more important your amibitions or your emotional welfare cos the only justification you gave for being with him was achievements.

[McLovin' Jones]

Salute to all the people that can recognise and identify with this perspectiveto be honest its does come from an angle that is motivated by a selfishnessfrom i buss twenty years of age i said to myself anything that is not promotin progress and forward movment in my life is gettin obliteratedi cut out alot of half hearted friendships, half hearted females and dead end activitiesn life is so much bettergood topic tho

You're right, it is an aspect of selfishness. I am being extremely selfish right now. I want to settle down, and by all means and purposes, I have. I'm there physically, but my mind is often full of doubts due to the things I've been through with this person. I've progressed and achieved so much due to the support and encouragement from this particular person, but at the same time, when we have bad times, they are really bad, and during arguments he'll put me down and tell me that my achievements are nothing and that I've only done things because of him, which isn't 100% true. I know I can do and achieve SO much more as a person in a couple with this person, than I could do on my own, but I don't know if I can deal with any more bad times, they really crush me emotionally and mentally and I sometimes feel so drained that it's hard to pick myself up and find a state of happiness again, even though I know what good things may lay ahead of me if I stay in my situation. It's a really involved situation, but that is the brief outline. I'm basically wondering whether I should go against my family and friends, and believe in this guy, compromise my own values and beliefs to be with him, and try and make my situation better, in this confused state, or if I should make a clean break and live a happier, more content life in the hope that I'll meet someone amazing one day, even though I could end up old and on my own if that person never comes along.I'm probably setting myselfup for some serious slewage by giving you all so much information, but I really need some outside opinions on this

I was feelin' all the way up to this part...

When I say compromise my own values and beliefs, it's nothing heavy really, what I mean is, he has a very traditional view on life, and wants me to stay at home, have some kids, look after him, cook and clean and look after the home, and have him as the main focus in my life, which I would've been more than happy to do if we had only had 100% good times, but since the bad times, and being at uni, I now want to do more for myself (selfish, I know) education when I've finished, travel a bit, possibly do a 6 month stint abroad somewhere teaching, etc but he just wants me to be the little woman at home, which I don't want to do. When I was younger, that was what I wanted to do because I had no ambition, but now, I want to big things, but he sees it as he is the man, he should do the great things, and I should be in the background to support him. (These aren't his exact words, but they just give a general idea to his values)

It's EXTREMELY evident that both of you want different things.Going by what YOU'RE saying, it seems he's not willing to compromise whatsoever which if it doesn't cause a madness now, believe me, it WILL.Compromise should be mutual at the end of the day. If he isn't looking to do so, remaining in this relationship will only cause to stagnate your progression and might even have you become resentful towards him in the future when you look back. You shouldn't live with regrets.How old are you by the way?

[Treacle]

when we have bad times, they are really bad, and during arguments he'll put me down and tell me that my achievements are nothing and that I've only done things because of him, which isn't 100% true. I'm probably setting myselfup for some serious slewage by giving you all so much information, but I really need some outside opinions on this

UNACCEPTABLE TELL HIM ABOUT HIMSELF AND SAY THIS IS WHAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO DO AND WHAT YOU WOULD DO (IM ASSUMING) HE OWES YOU AN APOLOGY DONT WAIT FOR IT TELL HIM RIGHT NOWNOT EVEN.............. he needs to be told and he obviously aint so you tell him and hopefully if he is approachable he will understand and not wile out.

Telling him about himself only gets him angry and we end up having MAJOR arguments in which he says and does inappropriate things, and throws more things back at me, so this isn't the answer. When have another argument, he will say the same things. These things come up almost every argument, which is why I feel so drained certain times, he throws the same things at me over and over again, and seems to truly believe his words. This brings me back to my dilemma of whether I should stick around to see if he will grow out of the put downs, and see where things will go, or if I should just get out now to save my sanity!

[Capital]

@ Treacle.....from readin that the bottom line is even though u might love off ur guy and vice versa u r using him as a crutch.....and in reality you dont need anyone to achieve what you want and be happy....think about it if he was not in your life would all your abilities and aspirations dissapear with him?....no....it seems like ur heart is not fully in this thing and that the main reason ur with him is because your scared to fly alone....me personally i would take the stabilizers off the bike and learn to ride on my own, u might fall off n get a couple scrapes and cuts first of all...but its really about bein independent in the long run....once your out there with no saftey net its gna b scary 4 abit but truss u will find someone........sorry 4 the rambling but thas my take on it

[TF/S4DK]

Hmmm... I culd comment, but I wont.As there are other sides to every story.

[FACE OFF]

next time he calls you ACTUALLY BOY HIM OFFliterally bring him down to earthwhen he phones you say IM BUSYif he notices the patternTELL HIM EXACTLY WHY WITH THESE WORDS"listen you dont listen to me and when i talk you throw things in my face and im not a d*ckhead so you go and think on it and learn how to come back and talk to me or dont call me cos i aint arguing with you im hangin up ..............TAKE THAT OR LEAVE ITBYE HUN"im a man and im TELLIN YOU this is what you should doBOYMENT AND SHOUTING WHEN SOMEONE IS BEING REASONABLE IS UNNACCEPTABLE FOR 2008 UNLESS YOU ARE HAPPY BEING A DOORMAT

[Treacle]

Hmmm... I culd comment, but I wont.As there are other sides to every story.

Its true, you're right, there are other sides to the story, his, and he will tell you that I'm not 'down for him' like he is for me, and that I'm spoilt, and that I only ever think about myself.

[FACE OFF]

both of you have out lived each other then.

[Capital]

both of you have out lived each other then.

This is more or less the bottom line

[TF/S4DK]

Telling him about himself only gets him angry and we end up having MAJOR arguments in which he says and does inappropriate things, and throws more things back at me, so this isn't the answer. When have another argument, he will say the same things. These things come up almost every argument, which is why I feel so drained certain times, he throws the same things at me over and over again, and seems to truly believe his words. This brings me back to my dilemma of whether I should stick around to see if he will grow out of the put downs, and see where things will go, or if I should just get out now to save my sanity!

Oh dear. Give me some minutes to inspire the words to lead too your revolution.

[Treacle]

both of you have out lived each other then.

But he still wants to be there, and I think I do, so there must be a reason after all the madness, why we're both still in each others lives? Maybe we're supposed to be together, or maybe I'm just hanging on because I don't know what else to do?

[FACE OFF]

sh*t is gonna get painful.im a bastard but a man shouldbe making his girl feel goodoffering supporttrying to understandputtin her in her place but also puttin her firstcorrect me if im wrong

[FACE OFF]

both of you have out lived each other then.

But he still wants to be there, and I think I do, so there must be a reason after all the madness, why we're both still in each others lives? Maybe we're supposed to be together, or maybe I'm just hanging on because I don't know what else to do?

its the latter im afraid sorry to say.

[Treacle]

sh*t is gonna get painful.im a bastard but a man shouldbe making his girl feel goodoffering supporttrying to understandputtin her in her place but also puttin her firstcorrect me if im wrong

That's what I'm saying, he does thes things, but he also does the EXACT opposite of these things when he's heated!

[TF/S4DK]

Right I have any idea to the answers on all the questions, but let me not be ignorant & ask before I continue...Your race is? & his is?Your age is? & his is?Is your familes background "better" than his?Once I have those facts I can see if my assessment of what I've seen so far is right...

[TF/S4DK]

Also your fairly small right?

[Treacle]

Right I have any idea to the answers on all the questions, but let me not be ignorant & ask before I continue...Your race is? & his is?Your age is? & his is?Is your familes background "better" than his?Once I have those facts I can see if my assessment of what I've seen so far is right...

I'm mixed race, he's mixed race (both black/white mix).I'm 23, he's 25His background is better than mine financially, but in everything else, they are pretty much similar.My family is my mum, dad, twin sis, brother and 2 half brothers who I don't really see all that much.

[FACE OFF]

sh*t is gonna get painful.im a bastard but a man shouldbe making his girl feel goodoffering supporttrying to understandputtin her in her place but also puttin her firstcorrect me if im wrong

That's what I'm saying, he does thes things, but he also does the EXACT opposite of these things when he's heated!

youve pissed him off hunWHAT DID YOU DO?cos when a man does that as a REACTION he usually has some vision in his mind that has been done to him that upset him and im guessin its YOU that did it.i change my stanceyou both need to sit down talk and FORGIVE EACH OTHER.let out everything and forgive.btw when we identify this i would recommend you do this TONIGHT

[TF/S4DK]

Also does he make his money legally?& what ends you from?He support you financially or motivationally?& what you do day to day as a career does it involve male attention? Yeah mad inner but I'm curious...

[Benicio del Toney]

I knew you were going to divulge into your own situation in the end, there was no point you fighting it lol.

Hmmm... I culd comment, but I wont.As there are other sides to every story.

Its true, you're right, there are other sides to the story, his, and he will tell you that I'm not 'down for him' like he is for me, and that I'm spoilt, and that I only ever think about myself.

From what ive seen on here there are selfish aspects to you (no offence) and maybe he is only condescending towards you because of the way you are and he doesnt feel he is getting 100% from you.It doesnt make it right though and like Face Off said you need to pull him up on his remarks.If he doesnt wana listen and isnt prepared to change then its obvious you cant live your life with the downsides and there is no future between you.

[Treacle]

sh*t is gonna get painful.im a bastard but a man shouldbe making his girl feel goodoffering supporttrying to understandputtin her in her place but also puttin her firstcorrect me if im wrong

That's what I'm saying, he does thes things, but he also does the EXACT opposite of these things when he's heated!

youve pissed him off hunWHAT DID YOU DO?cos when a man does that as a REACTION he usually has some vision in his mind that has been done to him that upset him and im guessin its YOU that did it.i change my stanceyou both need to sit down talk and FORGIVE EACH OTHER.let out everything and forgive.btw when we identify this i would recommend you do this TONIGHT

You're right, I have done stuff to deeply upset him, but he won't let those things go, he brings them up too at every opportunity. I'm thinking that is why he gives all the put downs, because maybe he is trying to make me hurt as much as he feel is have hurt him. He hasn't really forgiven me for things, and he has never EVER forgotten, and he always lets me know he hasn't forgotten.