Finding your life again

[Uncle Man]

infact you know whatthat advice is awful, and offensivei hope i never become as twisted and paranoid as that

lmaothats a very mature assessment of the post bruvi mean look at the language you are using'awful and offensive' surely only a woman or homosexual will use this term?you were probly wearing jeggings wen u wrote this post,but im saying its time to snap out of all of that,its going to be tough but you will be fine in due time,just toss a caber about or something to get back to yr naturethe post was designed to help yr recovery from this ltr,as i know that prolongued contact will probly exarcebate the situation and leave you confused,and in more unecessary anguish (im sure ppl have said the same thing in more normal terms)so you mite as well presume that as we speak she is with sean connery getting punched in the face multiple times and loving itas for twisted and paranoid i am like the hieronymous bosch of this forum,if i dont paint a pretty picture,its because the painting is not entitled candyland still,but my depictions are realistic howeverskola i have a feeling you will be fine its going to take a while but in years to come i can see you walking up to me after one of my seminars and thanking me for the real talk that i have brought,like a fresh haggis,to the table.again i have littered this post with scottish references to help you digest and relate to wat im saying more easily,even that in itself is mad thoughtful imo

[JLovely]

I think I love Social...top 3 poster (no bred)

[Vtec]

man said ur wearing jeggins whilst postingsehnssfdn

Sorry but LMFAOno send skola,

[gemma]

my only advice is to stop smoking weed! you'll only start smoking more when you're alone, hanging out with friends etcuse the money towards something elseplan something for the future? maybe a holiday with friends (friends who wont actually flop though, or go travelling?) do something you've always quite fancied doing...train to be a lifeguard, buy an autobiographytime to start finding yourself my friendi know you're sad it's all over, but it's a blessing in disguise. you have FREEDOM! welcome to single life

[Skola]

its her loss, not urs

I know this is the sort of thing which people say you should be thinking, and it's the tactful way of consoling someone etc., but I really disagree with it.You said you were just coming home and sitting on the xbox while she watched TV.There was probably a lack of effort from both sides which contributed to it getting stale and therefore boring for her.I think it's important to take some accountability no matter the situation, and avoid feeling as if she's lost out.Because it means you don't think you have to change or do anything different next time. So the issues will resurface.

I definitely agree with this. Coming out of a relationship you should be able to see where you may have gone wrong but dont ever feel its the sole reason to why the relationship is no longer.

Nah its very true.I became complacent and didnt make much effort, neither did she. Thing is, if it was meant to last, she would want to work on it like I do, but she doesnt. This has really been my first serious relationship, Ive learnt a lot and made some mistakes.

[Skola]

my only advice is to stop smoking weed! you'll only start smoking more when you're alone, hanging out with friends etcuse the money towards something elseplan something for the future? maybe a holiday with friends (friends who wont actually flop though, or go travelling?) do something you've always quite fancied doing...train to be a lifeguard, buy an autobiographytime to start finding yourself my friendi know you're sad it's all over, but it's a blessing in disguise. you have FREEDOM! welcome to single life

LOL at the moment I think getting high helps. i had just about stopped before this happened. once things settle il do that again.your suggestions are good but a lot of my close friends arent doin too well at the moment so trips etc arent easy. thinking of starting some new hobbies might make some new friends.thats what its all about, finding myself. right now im just thinkin like its hard to accept that the life i had with this woman is part of my past. i never thought id see the day

[Skola]

man said ur wearing jeggins whilst postingsehnssfdn

Sorry but LMFAOno send skola,

its coolfunny comment and all thatits a piss take thohow you gonna come in to the L&L room just to kick a guy while hes down? i dont rate that

[Guest Lisa Turtle]

You are effectively torturing yourself by going over what went wrong or talking to her.Stay away. Key point.We have all been there. You love someone, you'll do whatever it takes to make it work. Give yourself a break. She is being selfish, you can do so as well. Take this time to elevate your life. I have no doubt that once she has found herself, she will want you back.When that realisation has dawned on her, where do you want to be?Sometimes you have to take drastic action in order to force yourself to be objective. Eliminating contact is the number one most important thing you could do right now. It f*ck*ng hurts, I know. Sometimes you've punched in the number and hit call before you even realise what you are doing. But the harder you try, the easier it gets. I promise you. You'll be stronger and better for it.

[Guest Lisa Turtle]

Also social is f*cked. I can't get over his logic.

[O.Man]

i don't understand how social could have offended you i can't see the part in his text which would cause offense?!! I was going to ignore it but Lisa Turtle confused me morei think a misunderstanding has taken place

..bar 'need to find my independence' means she is blowing another mans bagpipes or at least has left with that specific plan in mind. ...

This is all i see that could be offending, and it's not really offending but if i read that i would get pissed off. But really when people leave they usually have an idea of someone they want to be with ..........

[Skola]

You are effectively torturing yourself by going over what went wrong or talking to her.Stay away. Key point.We have all been there. You love someone, you'll do whatever it takes to make it work. Give yourself a break. She is being selfish, you can do so as well. Take this time to elevate your life. I have no doubt that once she has found herself, she will want you back.When that realisation has dawned on her, where do you want to be?Sometimes you have to take drastic action in order to force yourself to be objective. Eliminating contact is the number one most important thing you could do right now. It f*ck*ng hurts, I know. Sometimes you've punched in the number and hit call before you even realise what you are doing. But the harder you try, the easier it gets. I promise you. You'll be stronger and better for it.

Yeah thats what im trying to do. Evaluate my life and decide what I should be doing. I have more freedom now so more options.I was saying last nite to my dad - if he asked me back, I'd say no. I cant have gone through all this heartache for nothing. No way.I still see her posts on FB and sh*t but cant bring myself to delete her

[Ashman]

This is where I am right now.My girl of 4.5 years left me at the start of the week. My first feelings were 'I dont have a life worth living without her' which gradually changed into 'I've let her become my whole life and now I need to get my life back'Basically we became too dependant on each other and she realised, then I also realised, that we would become stronger and grow as people if we had some time alone. I dont know what the future holds but right now Im feeling like I want her back which I suppose is natural.Its a struggle every day. We used to be in constant contact eg callings texting and emailling each other about every silly little detail of what we were doing when we were apart. Now Im just struggling to fill my time so I dont sit and mope (sp?)Whos been through this? its a nightmare.

Well, I can think of so many times when I have faced this.Obviously one being a marriage of 4 years. The pain is a lot and I must admit, I have cried in the past. It's kinda strange that we never seem to have the vision to see ahead at the time; we tend to look back with tears and sadness and feel trapped where we are.However, where I have ended up today, I can only look back and smile. So what I am saying is, take everything with a pinch of salt. Easier said than done but I see it as God having bigger plans for you and if she can leave your arse, then she wasn't for you in the first place. So, if a girl leaves, that is actually a positive sign for your future.

[gemma]

You are effectively torturing yourself by going over what went wrong or talking to her.Stay away. Key point.We have all been there. You love someone, you'll do whatever it takes to make it work. Give yourself a break. She is being selfish, you can do so as well. Take this time to elevate your life. I have no doubt that once she has found herself, she will want you back.When that realisation has dawned on her, where do you want to be?Sometimes you have to take drastic action in order to force yourself to be objective. Eliminating contact is the number one most important thing you could do right now. It f*ck*ng hurts, I know. Sometimes you've punched in the number and hit call before you even realise what you are doing. But the harder you try, the easier it gets. I promise you. You'll be stronger and better for it.

Yeah thats what im trying to do. Evaluate my life and decide what I should be doing. I have more freedom now so more options.I was saying last nite to my dad - if he asked me back, I'd say no. I cant have gone through all this heartache for nothing. No way.I still see her posts on FB and sh*t but cant bring myself to delete her

facebook stalking is never a good idea lolhide her status updates for your own sakeand ONLY check her page ONCE a day, u if you cant bring yourself to delete herremember she might delete you as well

[Skola]

This is where I am right now.My girl of 4.5 years left me at the start of the week. My first feelings were 'I dont have a life worth living without her' which gradually changed into 'I've let her become my whole life and now I need to get my life back'Basically we became too dependant on each other and she realised, then I also realised, that we would become stronger and grow as people if we had some time alone. I dont know what the future holds but right now Im feeling like I want her back which I suppose is natural.Its a struggle every day. We used to be in constant contact eg callings texting and emailling each other about every silly little detail of what we were doing when we were apart. Now Im just struggling to fill my time so I dont sit and mope (sp?)Whos been through this? its a nightmare.

Well, I can think of so many times when I have faced this.Obviously one being a marriage of 4 years. The pain is a lot and I must admit, I have cried in the past. It's kinda strange that we never seem to have the vision to see ahead at the time; we tend to look back with tears and sadness and feel trapped where we are.However, where I have ended up today, I can only look back and smile. So what I am saying is, take everything with a pinch of salt. Easier said than done but I see it as God having bigger plans for you and if she can leave your arse, then she wasn't for you in the first place. So, if a girl leaves, that is actually a positive sign for your future.

Thank you,Im sure theres plenty of things we dont agree on, but your right - its hard to look forward, coz you dont know what will happen. The only thing thats certain right now, is whats in the past, but I gotta leave it there and move on.Its true its true, if she could leave me, she wasnt the right one for me.

[REAL TALK]

ah so i just went to get the rest of my stuff and couldnt help blurting out a few thingsshe basically said that she has changed and lost the enthusiasm for our relationship. she has grown apart from me and doesnt want our relationship or any relationship at the momentshe doesnt want to have someone to rely on be there etc just wants to be alone to find herself. she has been in heavy relationships for the last 9 years and wants to be alone now (she is eh 26).things havent been so great in the last 6 months or so and shes only now realised this is whyshes changedand thats it apparentlyjust difficult to take coz i havent and i still want usi said theres still something really special between us and we could work on it but she said thats not what she wants

I hate to break this to you in this way fam but im gonna give it to you straight cause its what you need to hear. She has used you. But you have both used each other. I'll get back to this in a minute. She has admitted to being selfish... That we all can see, but look at what i have highlighted here about your post and think about it. Realisticly you are both being selfish. She wants to gain her own independance while you want her back, so you are being just as selfish cause if you had your way you would be with her right now alie? Even though you clearly can see right now thats not what she wants. Fact of the matter is in relationships you are both using each other for your own happiness. Your not being with them for who that person is you are with them cause they make YOU happy. When you love some one YOU cant help that you love them and it makes YOU happy to see them happy, but again ultimatley it all boils down to how there happiness is bringing YOUR happiness. So, even when they annoy you and get on your nerves you stick because thats YOUR decision to stay, YOU want to make it work. Relationships are made because you like each other.Love is not an unselfish trait, it is completley selfish cause its your emotions that make you fall in love with them in the first place. About what to do from here. A lot of people have given you ideas n i've gone quite deep into this post but ill say one thing and altho it sounds negative it is for your own benefit to know... Nothin lasts forever. Bear that in mind for the future. If you wanna talk on a level get at me pm's. Good luck. Real Talk

[Angelo]

Delete her from your facebook. Now.

[Mame Biram Diouf]

Dumping my ex was the best decision i ever madeAt the time i was mad emotional few days after i was fineFew months after having the time of my life

[Skola]

Real Take - Thanks. I'll hit you up via PMs when im doin some thinking.Diouf - Every few days I feel a little different. Appetite is coming back, I think this change is starting to settle in. At first I was so shocked.I dont like change, I hate it, but need to deal with it.Hopefully by summer I'll be fully on top of things and having a good time.At the moment Im getting used to not contacting someone with every little bit of info on what im doing and thinking. Using friends a bit to txt and chat to but I think part of being a strong independant person is not having to contact people ALL THE TIME and I need that back! It will be a good feeling when I find it again

[Skola]

Still havent locked with my chick yet but I met a nice Italian girl last week gonna see where it goes and line it up first tbh

what u mean locked as in left her?

[Guest Triple XXX]

thats deepi see the ideabut its deep

[Skola]

Still havent locked with my chick yet but I met a nice Italian girl last week gonna see where it goes and line it up first tbh

what u mean locked as in left her?

Yeah

thats deepi see the ideabut its deep

Im in another country and got no friends etc here so its nice to talk to her shes like my best friend, obviously I know Im heartless but thats just me wont end it with her in a horrible way get me bare tryna justify this evil

ah thats a tough one. i have a lot of admiration for people who can drop everything and move somewhere. dont think i have the guts.

[Skola]

mmm i wish there was more fat bottomed white chicks in scotlandgot me walking around like need to find me something with a bit of ethnicity

[Skola]

well ive never been to london but i hear south is sh*t :lol:nah im playingmost of the chicks arent all thatfeel that il have to lower my standards a piece

[Skola]

touché

[Skola]

Gosh i dont know where to beginWell basically I have just re-read this thread as it is now about 6 months to the day since we split up. First and most importantly I can now say - Im over it, Im happy. Obviously not 100% over her, still think about her often and she will always be my first love but Im a long way past the constant pain that you feel at first.So anyway, what Im gonna do is update this thread 1. out of appreciation of all the advice I've been given and 2. incase anyone going through a breakup finds this thread can see how I was then and how I am now Im at the other side. Its kinda mad coz this is proper personal stuff but even though this is a public forum its kinda anonymous.One funny thing I noticed is things happen when your ready for them to. I tried to link this one chick way too early while I was still fresh and totally flopped it. Few months later I remember thinking "Im not really hurting any more", within a week, I got laid. Its frustrating waiting for feelings to change etc but things have a funny way of happening when you are ready for them to, or perhaps you make them without knowing by the attitude you have / vibe you give off.Got to big up certain posters and the advice that was on pointCharliechalk, getting to know your friends again is vital. women come and go but good friends are for life. my friends and family are all i have and i appreciate that so much more now.Angelo - do not keep in touch. we were in regular contact for quite a while, talking on facebook, texting and even chatting on the phone but this was just both of us struggling to get used to not having each other as friends anymore. i eventually hid away most stuff that reminds me of her, deleted her number etc but we are still facebook friends so every now and again i take a peep but tbh it doesnt interest me to know what shes up to anymoreDavid - hobby hobby hobby too true. things to keep you busy and give you something to focus on Intervention (whats ur old name again?) - keeping busy helps but like you said you are only stalling feelings - you really do need to sit and think about things, its unhealthy to supress feelings so theres a balance between avoiding and holding back the sadnes and wallowing in it. a great piece of advice i was given was "you have to feel the pain, to let go". letting go was painful and hard but after you do it you feel a bit betterBaracus - time indeed is a healer.O.man has been there i used to dream about her every night wake up feeling really upset, and that horrible feeling where you wake up and have a few seconds of bliss before your brain starts up and you remember it all, again. one night i woke up and thought she was lying next to me i reached out to hug her and my hand hit the wall Vtec - it is like a bereavement letting go of a friend a lover etc. Not only that, but letting go of all the parts of the other persons life that you made yours that can no longer be eg their family and friends, things you did exclusively with that person.Social - strangely enough there was some truth in what you said - dont remain friends thats just her making thigns easier for herself Angelo - about taking accountability and learning from the mistakes you made coz yeah i wasnt the model boyfriend by the end and looking back I have discovered some less desireable traits in myself that I will work to counter in the future.Lisa - the contact thing and getting stronger over time.Ashman - youve been there so clearly you knew hwat you were talkin aboutReal talk - a lot of real talk about how our emotions work and that love is kinda selfish you want someone coz they make YOU happy and them being happy makes you happy. quite insightful.Right Im not gonna ramble too much.What really helped a lot was - exercise. Start jogging like 3-4 times a week, a good way to hammer out the emotions and also gives you time to think things over without sitting wallowing in sadness. Plus - its good for your health and the endorphins give you a bit of a kick which is nice.It takes a while to find yourself and if you read the venting thread Im sure you'l see Ive been talking about mad stuff Im getting up to. People say I've really come out of my shell and I definately feel like I was too content doing too little. In a relationship the man looks after the women (obviously vice versa too but let me continue) but for numerous reasons its easy to get carried away with this and make your life slot around your womans and make your main focus her. This is dangerous coz being too selfless means you sacrifice a lot and one day may regret it if you suddenly realise you have little of your own life outside of work and looking after her.You face a lot of hard times in life, while you cant always control what happens, you can control how you react. You gotta hit the ground running, get back up when life knocks you down etc (or end up like Raul Moat?) Its a kind of sink or swim thing and...I swam.Thanks everyone