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STAYING UP LATE GOONS

Maxxx

By Maxxx
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Dubby
Dubby

okay, so started at A, a club called Thekla, was the birthday of one guy in my bredrin's circle, so we went there, I left the club at 12 'cause I wanted to go elsewhere so I wanted to go to C, but s

Dubby
Dubby

and then he went in just a bit

Dubby
Dubby

But then they came through like...

Bardissimo Newbie

Bardissimo

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Posted
Anon or delete - please.Well I think I'm reaching the end of my time here. I can't face being like this anymore, and if that means killing myself then that's that.I'm an utter loser, you know, the sort they make those hollywood movies about - except I'm actually ugly, not just someone good looking hiding behind a bad haircut, and I won't get the girl, and things won't turn out fine.My eyes bulge like a disgusting frog. My hairline is receding leaving a balding, hideous creature. My nose is crooked and my jaw out of place from being punched in the back of the head. My body is skinny and revolting, my ribcage is uneven from having chronic asthma (they call it pigeon chest.)I went to a good school but was bullied badly and ended up dropping out after four miserable years. I had been expected to go to Oxford or Cambridge but after a year of doing nothing I finally managed to scrape my way into a very average university. I didn't care about academic life. I just wanted to find someone that made me feel - anything at all. Someone that allowed me, after the bullying and my parents splitting up and all the other stuff I'm not even going to to into - someone who made me feel, just for a moment, that I was in any way worthwhile or human.I didn't, after a series of one night stands and half-assed flings I ended up as alone as ever.A year later and I'm nothing. I've not had a job, I've done nothing at all except sink further and further into depression. My confidence, such as it was, is completely gone. I now know that I disgust the opposite sex, and that they would rather die than be with me in any way at all. I have hardly any friends here, I live at home but feel no connection to my family at all (who are supporting me - I don't even think about them at all most of the time) and I feel as though I am descending into the realms of sociopathy.Tonight, walking home, I felt the urge to either kill someone else or myself. I want to punish those happy, normal people who walk around without feeling this utter anguish I feel, without knowing what it is like to be me and to feel completely alone and tormented by everything around me. They will glide through life in a blissful little ******* bubble and I hate them for it, I hate them, I hate them so much.But most of all I hate myself. I hate myself for being like this, for wasting every little chance I had, for poisoning my mind with idiotic online games and constant alcoholism, for being unable to feel empathy even for my family and those closest to me. I want to punish and destroy myself for turning out like this. I feel that, in my mid-twenties, I have failed utterly. I've never had a job. I've failed at education. I don't have a girlfriend or anything like that - I don't even have friends.In the past people have told me I am destined to fail at everything, that I will be alone forever and be completely unsuccessful in anything I do.I now know them to be right. I am at the end now, and there is nothing I can do. It is all over. And it is for the best: although my family might initially grieve they will find that the money they save on my pathetic existence is benficial and the mood is lighter around the house. And people in general will be safe from my bottomless hatred that I cannot fully control.I am sorry to post this, and I know there is not much anyone can say. I don't know when I will do it, or how. Tonight I almost jumped in front of a truck. I am preoccupied with the idea of hanging myself: I keep seeing a noose in front of me. Floating in the air, almost. It must be a sign, or something.Reply With Quote
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